How Not to Woo a Spinster

So, of course I am still delighted with the spinster lifestyle, but recently I've been taking a little dip in the online dating pool. Folks, it's a jungle out there, but at least I'm learning something. Here is a "dos and don'ts" I have compiled based on my experience.

• Be interesting, but not too interesting. One or two cool hobbies? Great. Seven or eight (none of which you can stop talking about long enough to let me get a word in edgewise) make me think that you're desperately trying to keep me from figuring out how boring you actually are.

• I know I "deserve happiness," thanks. You don't really need to tell me that, and when you do, it is awfully patronizing and it kind of makes me want to punch you in the nose. Furthermore, I am pretty darn happy already, and whether or not you want to go to a movie with me is not going to have much bearing on my joy levels.

• You don't have to be rolling in the dough, but please at least make sure you have enough cash and/or room on your debit card to pay a small tab if you've invited me for drinks or coffee. This is particularly relevant if you have just made a big show of refusing my attempt to pay half.

• On a somewhat related note, if you live with one or both parents, please at least have the decency to be slightly ashamed of yourself and/or have a really good explanation.

• Look at and remember my profile. If you have to ask what I do for a living after viewing it, you don't meet the minimum reading comprehension requirement.

• You don't get to be sulky and posessive until we've at least had coffee. Sometimes it takes me awhile to return a message. Maybe because I'm busy with something else, maybe because the last thing you said was kinda weird and I'm not sure how to respond to it, maybe it was charming and I'm trying to come up with an equally witty response. Whatever the case, taking a little spin on your Huffy bike is not attractive.

• If you message me telling me you'd "like to paint" me, please make it clear whether you mean "paint a picture" or "swirl paint on the cold skin of my lifeless corpse." Frankly, both are rather creepy, but there's obviously an exponential increase for the latter meaning.

• It's okay to have exes and it's okay to talk about them eventually. But if the first thing you type after the compulsory "Hello, how are you?" message includes the phrase "I don't care if she was cheating on me, she was an awful girlfriend," you might want to get back to me after after you've finished your summer stay at Camp Bitter.

• Don't list any hobbies that I have to look up on Urban Dictionary. I don't care if there's a slight chance you might really be talking about actual plumbing projects. Just don't do it.

The Spinster's Guide to Office Holiday Parties

The office holiday party is right up there with weddings on the list of events dreaded by spinsters. Especially if you're a spinster studying to be a hermit, like me. But it doesn't have to be that way. Here are a few tips to get through it.

1. Go. Don't worry about roping some poor friend into going with you, unless you know some fabulous extrovert who might actually enjoy himself. You work with these people every day, so there will be plenty of people to talk to, and depending on the political climate of your office, avoiding the party might be a poor career move. But...
2. Remember that once you've put in a perfunctory appearance, you don't have to stay. Nobody is going to remember what time you left.
3. Glam up, but be comfortable. Don't make the mistake I almost made, which involved a 1 size too-small pair of Spanx. Getting into them required a martial arts-style workout. (And kick and tug and squat and PULL!) This kind of thing is going to seriously cut down on the fun-factor.
   
4. Don't feel like you need to spend a lot of money on a new outfit unless you want to. Nobody is going to remember what you wear, so dress-up a basic black dress with jewelry if you don't already have something suitable. Last year, I bought a dress I thought was cute because it was a good price, it fit, and I thought it was cute, but this year I didn't want to get anything new.
   
5. Enjoy a cocktail, but don't get drunk. Nothing is sadder than a drunk single girl alone at a party.

It's not the prom, even if some people in your office treat it like it is. You needn't invest a lot of money, effort, or time to have fun.